Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
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Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”
I bet
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
How wrong was this guy?
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet
Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours
Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”
The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN