I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
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If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
these two trucks have the same bed length
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
[seaworld]
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6“But there’s a shark in tan..”
-BINGO!