COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.
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[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?
FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.
Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?
Rhino: What’s in it for me?
Bird: I’ll warn you of danger
Rhino: I don’t have predators
Bird:
Rhino:
Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?