At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
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Smile they said.
lost dog
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.
Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.
Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!
Me: Funny how?
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?