Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
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Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday
hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
14: (setting his alarm for 5am)
11: Why so early?
14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.
Me: That is correct.
Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.