Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
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I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It’s a soup bowl
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!
[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’