Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
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[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((
every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
Smells like a challenge to me
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations
THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!