My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
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Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.
Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.