It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
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I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.