Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.
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The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.
Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —
Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”
Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair