Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
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I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
Him: do you believe in miracles?
Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?
Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—
Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!
Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!
Cowboy: I uh
Spider-Man: Go on!
Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs
Just got a haircut.
Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and
Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?
Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game