there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911
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righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me
I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.