I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
You Might Also Like
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery
Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.
Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.
The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.