i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
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I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.
6 month old baby: ……..
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
I’m not stressed
Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead
Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
put ‘er there pardner!
*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?
Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.