I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
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USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:
[First date]
Me: I’m gonna need to hear how you think the word “loser” is spelled.
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.
Me redecorating every room in my mind
My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:
“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”
My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!