Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
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If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:
InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00
Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh
This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir
[writers’ room for Silent Night]
MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?
JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild
MIKE:…….jesus christ jim
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.