I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug
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[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst
Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?Me: And this is something that’s important to you?
He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
ME: how old are you?
EGG AND CHEESE SANDWICH UNDER A GAS STATION HEAT LAMP AT 8 PM: im breakfast
ME: and how long have you been breakfast?
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby
Husband: *gives me two pancakes*
Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.
Husband: And?
Me: Keep stacking, buddy.
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
This is my pinned tweet
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba