*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
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People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
GOD: This one is a giraffe.
ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-
GOD: They have no vocal chords.
ANGEL: Dude… come on
Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
[on Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!
Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.
Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD
Buzzer: *beeps*
Studio audience: *groans*
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids
Wife: When?
Me: Between 2 and 5
Wife: Ok
Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6
My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
My goal is to do one thing each day that could prevent me from being elected to political office
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.