A flock of dads is called a grill.
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*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*this is why I drink
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
[Psychiatrist’s Office]
ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?
PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*
ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
Breaking news:
how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?