Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
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Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
i don’t miss calls i stare at them
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?