Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
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If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…
Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.