I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
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the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
Somebody needs to get my shit together.
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.
don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows