[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?
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I am HOWLING at this
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”
And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it
I feel attacked.
What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*
[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.
A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.
I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming
(at the doctor)
Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is