Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
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Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down
i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.