if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
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Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.
Always the camel, never the toe.
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
If you’re gonna have kids you’d better be prepared to make sacrifices. Chickens, goats, the occasional human, whatever the Dark Lord demands
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
Batman v Dracula