I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
You Might Also Like
Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.
My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!