BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
You Might Also Like
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma
Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories
Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the viccop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning
me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out