a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
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This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
Corgi: why are my legs so short?
God: that’s just what legs look like.
Corgi: oh cool.
[giraffe walks by]
Corgi:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
Husband of the year 😂
[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
Cat: HUMAM! AM LEARN U CAN WIN MANY MONEY IF U DO A BET ON AN SPORTS
Me: yeah that’s true
Cat: MONEY GET MANY FOOD
Me: also true
Cat: WELL
Cat: CAT AM HAVE FOOLPROOF WAY 2 KNOW WHICH SPORTS TEAM 2 PICK
Me: oh
Cat: DO A BET ON AN TEAM WHO HAS MOST SCORE AT END OF GAME
Me: thanks
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.