my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
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[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime
Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”
are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me
[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.
“Excited to be here!” I tell him.
The host eyes me. “Are you?”
My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.
“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.