Ha
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Me: How many would be the equivalent?
Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-
Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand orderI knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.
Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?
Me: Because you’re also a wreck.
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out