instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
You Might Also Like
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
The timeline of microwave popcorn:
< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential
Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
God: I’m calling this a horse
Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!
God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.