*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
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me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you
my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.
a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.
TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:
1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.