[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
You Might Also Like
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.
Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
“what that mouth do?” complain
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.