Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
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[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
Always 🥴
“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
United Steaks of America
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
Pat is about to own someone
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are
*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails