Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
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I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
those birds must be on payroll
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.
Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.
Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.
M:
H: Please leave Home Depot.
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha
[party city]
employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?
me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
Him: Are you mad?
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typingHer: No, I’m fine, why?