When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
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*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
[dropping my bf off at the airport]
Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much
Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver!
Me: wait wha-
Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!
You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
Still laughing at this stupid meme
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”
I think about this a lot.
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Later…
“All I want for Christmas is you.”
EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair