Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
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The swamp creature from the haunted lagoon?
Nope just me back from the gym
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
Stop making fast and furious movies.
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.