*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
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Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
“Remember Robert from work?”
Yeah..he was a douche.
“He died.”
WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!
Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.
Have a nice day 🙂
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
Husband of the year 😂
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.
What