I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
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Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
The Person Who Discovered Sharks
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*
“I’ll still marry you”
No. I’m married to the sea now
*dives in*
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me
friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight
My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?