me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
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Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME:
COP:
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.
When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently
*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.
i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi