CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
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When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
ibopfufen
ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke
CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s
ME:
CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…This is just a bottomless Pitt
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.