I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
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I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up
boss: hey we’re in a meeting
me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
[restaurant]
BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]
DATE: Are you okay?
THE HULK: I’ve been better.
GROOT: I am Groot.
TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?
GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.
TEACHER: Yes, you may.
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids
Why is everyone getting married at me
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
Husband: Where are you going?
Me: I have to run a quick errand.
Husband: You’re going to the store to buy dessert and eat it in the car so you don’t have to share it with the kids?
Me: Maybe.
Husband: Let me grab my wallet.
*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch