Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
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Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?
Her: Yes, please. Bbq.
Me: I’ll take apple.
I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
Knock Knock
[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”
[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
Unimpressed
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.
My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.