A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
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Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
Thoughts
I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?
Thor: It’s just not my day.
Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.
Thor:
Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”
Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.
1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.