I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
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A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”