Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.
You’ll make me nervous.
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[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
Parenting Tip:
Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.
“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”
“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”
“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.
The “baby” on the left….
who called it hell and not heaven’t
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.
There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.
HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.
Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125