where the womens at?
You Might Also Like
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?
Did I do this right
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
Pronouncing “driest” like priest
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
My husband just spent 10 minutes looking for a baseball hat that was on his head. I would have said something, except where’s the fun in that?
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2
Friend: What?
Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn
Friend: Who hurt you?
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken