“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
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Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
waiter: our special is only $7.99
mechanic: i’m a mechanic.
[seconds later]
waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.
mechanic: that’s too much.
waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.
ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year
[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
tinder is all about the long game
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.