[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
You Might Also Like
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?
Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?
Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?
[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to