“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.
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My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.
Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist
Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER